Rachel (00:01):
You're listening to relationship coaching with Rachel. This is where you learn how to ditch the drama with your mama.
Rachel (00:20):
Hello. There I am so very happy to be back with you today. And yeah, I'm talking about ditching the drama with your mama. Boy, do I have a lot to talk about today? I'm very excited. There's lots of reasons. There's been a few aha moments over the last several weeks. I've gotten coached a lot. I am moving into a kind of a deeper space with empaths. So I'll just go ahead and get started. This has been the thing. This has been the big thing that I have worked on for what feels like my entire life. I finally got the courage to talk about this. Not only got the courage to talk about this but to really, really own this. And I'll tell you, I coach a lot of empaths, but what I started to realize is about 90%. That's a lot 90% of my coaching sessions for empath women have been coaching around this drama with their mama, this relationship drama, this thing that they can't really seem to shake.
Rachel (01:42):
So what I started to notice after coaching so many women is that we still have, they still have, you still have these beliefs around your mother, fearful beliefs, borrowing their beliefs, their thoughts about who we are as women. They can range from money, drama, to body image, drama, and all of the things. So, and true Rachel style, I was like, you know what? Sounds like a great idea is just coaching people the week after mother's day and just kind of see what happened. So I offered a, like a freebie in my Facebook group and I had some people take me up on it and we scheduled something and it was just like, look, if you're struggling with some issues around your mom, which is really typical, let's talk, it ended up being pretty amazing. And there was a couple of themes that had happened.
Rachel (02:49):
And, you know, I've talked about things like overgiving and decision making and winning people's approval and people pleasing. And, and there's a common thread going on. A lot of us have had low self-confidence and we directly, for some reason, attach it to a story that we have around the woman who raised us okay. That lady. And sometimes we get into this as adults, we get into this still feeling small. So it was pretty amazing. And then later on, I get coached once a week with the life coach school as a certified coach and we go, we go pretty deep. And the coach asked if I had an offer and I'm like, well, you know, I work with empaths. And then all of a sudden I'm like, but I offered this thing and it was pretty amazing. And I just listed off all of the the benefits and how I helped women with their the drama around their mom relationship.
Rachel (04:01):
She loved it. And she was like, why aren't you doing this? And I'm like, listen, I've got a ton of reasons why I can't do this a, because of my own mama drama. She, she encouraged me to take a look at this. And what came up for me was I didn't wanna rock the boat. I didn't want to, I didn't want people assuming anything negative about my own mother and my own story about my mother and get the wrong idea. And I didn't want her feelings to get hurt and that's it wasn't going to happen. But I had all of these like roadblocks in the way, because I'm like, I don't want to give people the wrong idea. And she's like, Rachel, you just told me the last two years of coaching has helped you so much with your relationship with your mom.
Rachel (04:54):
And she's like, how has it helped? And I was like, gosh, it's just so much better. And it's not because she did anything differently. It's because I changed. I worked really hard on my thoughts around, you know, this relationship and it is so much better and yes, I still have mama drama because she's my mother. And it was amazing. So I, I put it out there and a little bit, and I talked to my other coach friends, and they're like, it's about time, girl. It's about time. You are meant to do this. And when I stepped into this, I just was like, oh my gosh, what have I been waiting for? And yes, I'm always still gonna have issues with moms because it's a relationship. No relationship is perfect, but it's so interesting. I picked up the phone for the first time.
Rachel (05:54):
It's probably not true, but in my head, I feel like it's, it's the first time in my life where I didn't ask for my mother's approval and permission, but I did want to let her know. I'm like, Hey, just to let you know, here's what I'm doing. I'm helping women, adult women with their relationships, with their mom. And she's just said, I think that's a great idea. And I was like, in my head, I had created this wild and wacky story that she's gonna disapprove. She will stop speaking to me. She's gonna take it personal. So it's kind of like that thing that we're scared of. And then it just grows and gets bigger and scarier. The more we put it off and the more we're like, oh, I should really do this thing, but I don't know.
Rachel (06:45):
I don't wanna hurt feelings. And I really don't. This is such a great way to help so many people, because I already have. And listen, y'all in less than a week. It's been crazy. It's been bananas with women calling me. They're like, oh my gosh. You're like the perfect person to talk about this. And I do talk openly when I get on a coaching call, I'm like, look, I, I kind of had the same thing with my mom. I have some questions for you, but these are questions that I have kind of kept in a little bank or a vault that, you know, there's some common questions that come up. So one of the questions is, do you have the urge to self sabotage or punish yourself with the underlying theme of not good enough? I'm gonna raise my hand on this one.
Rachel (07:34):
Now I won't raise my hand on every single one of these, but the, the majority, I mean, I'm like, oh, that's me. That sounds like me too. Do you hope that your mother will change? So that you can be happy? Y'all this was the story of my life. I like to call it "the sad story of Rachel". I was like, if she would just change and quit, she would change her tone. The things that she said I would be so much happier. And honestly, if she was probably thinking the same thing about me. So if that kind of sounds like you, you wanna hang out with me for a little while longer also, do you feel guilty when you establish a healthy boundary? This was a very, very common one with, especially some recent clients. Uonly to go back to old patterns.
Rachel (08:26):
If there's a tiny bit of pushback from your mother, like, if she's like, if she's uncomfortable, you're like, oh, never mind. You can call me at any time. You can say anything you want to it'll be fine okay. Do you feel like you don't fit in or you don't belong without someone's approval? Again, there's this undercurrent of approval seeking? Do you fear her reactions? Are you afraid of that? You're still gonna get in trouble. I always had this going on in the back of my head, like, oh, she's not gonna like this. Right. Do you feel this low-level unworthiness or do you feel kind of inherently flawed? Like, there's just, there's just something wrong with me. I'm not really sure what it is. I can name a hundred things that are wrong with me because maybe they were said by my mom at some point. Okay.
Rachel (09:20):
I think I said this earlier, but do you still feel like a little girl, a little kid? Do you feel like you don't have any autonomy over your life? And this may not have anything to do with where she is now in your life, but these old beliefs, these old stories keep coming up. Do you feel that there are conditions attached to the love that you deserve? That's a good one. That one comes up to. Do you feel like you can't love yourself or be your authentic, normal, real, raw self? Are you able or unable to accept a compliment?
Rachel (10:11):
And are you constantly beating yourself up for taking as long as you did to step into this phase of your life? Listen, I held on for years, like I'm there and I was seeing all the things that I needed to work on, but I was trying to push it down. You cannot meditate your mother away and you cannot yoga your mama away. But I was trying to like push it down, doing other things. That's just classic buffering. And I'll talk about that in a different episode.
Rachel (10:42):
And some of you have already told me that you only feel acknowledged when it reflects well on her. So I want you to think about those things that I just said, but how I work is when I'm working one-on-one with a client right now, that's the only thing I'm doing is one-onone work. I let you tell the story. You get to tell all of it, you get to write about it. However many pages it takes you, you might have to write about it for days and days, weeks, and weeks. But here's the thing. When you work with me, I'm not gonna let you live there. I'm not gonna let you hang out and hang on forever and ever to that story, but it's still, I believe it's still important for you to tell your story. Maybe you've never been able to tell your story to someone who could listen.
Rachel (11:34):
Okay. That's part of being a coach. We are listeners. And then I pick up on a couple of things. I'm very good at picking up on patterns. That is kind of just one of the things that I'm just naturally. I feel like I've had a lot of practice and that could have been from my relationship with my mom. I was hypervigilant in looking for her patterns and approval. Okay. So I'm not gonna let you live in your story. I'll let you tell your story and I'll let you, I'll encourage you to learn from your story. Now I have a whole process that I will take you through. And then I'll, I'll separate. We'll kind of untangle your story about her, like what you remember and really the facts. Okay. I like to get really facty because that really helps take the emotional sting or not diminishing your story, or just like, what are you making it mean still to this day?
Rachel (12:35):
She said this when you were 10 and you're 50. So for 40 years, is that correct? Math? Yes. For 40 years, you've been telling this story to yourself. So that's, that's what happens. And then we'll find out what you're making it mean about you as a grown-up, and then we're gonna deal with these emotions. Now. That's what I love to work on. As a yoga teacher, meditation, Reiki, all the feely-feels, we work out a way to move forward. Then for you, I'll also teach you how to separate your feelings from her feelings. Now, this is huge, huge. The thoughts about you as a person and her as a person. Okay? Because sometimes the mother daughter relationship gets very enmeshed. Some of us say I'm really close with my mom. I'm still really close with my mom, but it, I think when I was younger in my twenties and I really was trying to figure out life it kind of felt enmeshed. If that makes any sense to you.
Rachel (13:45):
So why do we think this work is so hard? Like why is it that 90% of my empath clients are like, you're not gonna believe what my mom said. I'm like, oh, I bet you, I will. Because why do you think this work is hard? It's because you think that your relationship with your mother should be a certain way. I have that highlighted in my notes, all the should. So you think your mother should be a certain way. And you also, this is the interesting part. You also think that you should be a certain way, a certain type of daughter, and then you get really fussy when mother's day comes around and all this crap gets brought back up and you're like, oh my gosh, I thought I dealt with this. Is this sounding familiar? Okay. Now, listen, I always love to say moms loves to state the obvious, Hey, if my house is dirty, my mother will let me know.
Rachel (14:41):
Right? If someone else states the obvious, I don't take it the same way. Now that's the difference. Now someone could say that's acute. Uthat's a cute pair of jeans. My mom could say, that's a cute pair of jeans. I'm like, I know what she's thinking. I know what she means by that. So we have this, I just laugh because I, I love I adding humor to everything because it makes me realize how silly I'm acting or how ridiculous my thoughts are sometimes. So moms, of course, they're gonna state the obvious. And it's the meaning that we assign to their one liner. These words that they said that can send us into a tailspin. Now what I had to relearn, this is really interesting. And I've known this, but to actually work on it, like I'm like, oh, I know I have all the self-help books.
Rachel (15:43):
I think I probably do, but what I had to practice and relearn is that I am not responsible for anyone's feelings, but my own, listen, I have enough work to do in my own feelings in that department to last me a lifetime. I had to get real. Like I'm dealing with my own stuff. I cannot be responsible for this other person's emotional, whatever she's making things mean. Okay. Also, I had to relearn that I am responsible for doing the work on myself and when I'm doing the work on myself, it's for me. And it also doesn't mean it's against her.
Rachel (16:32):
There's this weird thing that people have with boundaries, where they think the boundary is being set to punish the other person. Y'all. Do not even do that. Don't even think about it because it feels yucky and it feels gross and it, it doesn't work. You're still miserable. That's how, you know, it doesn't work. So relearning that I'm responsible for how I feel and I'm not responsible for how they feel. Okay. What I was doing was I was making her responsible for my feelings and I had to really own that. I had to really, really own that. And the things that I was getting upset at her for the same exact thing I was doing. Yeah. There's a lot of work involved and some things are just not on my agenda anymore.
Rachel (17:43):
And how do I know that they're not on my agenda? It's because I don't feel, I don't feel a sense of fear. And I'm gonna say the wrong thing and I'm gonna embarrass somebody and it doesn't align with her values and views. It's okay. And it feels great. And we kind of have this interesting understanding of like, she's got her stuff and I have my stuff. If it comes up and it's, you know, and I get my feelings hurt, I'm responsible for my feelings. And then I just have to reassess like how much information do I want to give her? So one of the things that I teach are smart boundaries look different for everyone. And it's what works for you. There's no boundary rule. I don't think there's, you don't have to make a grand announcement and I will tell you, that's probably a terrible idea for some of us, depending on your situation.
Rachel (18:54):
For instance, if I called my mother up and said, I'm setting a boundary with you, I can promise y'all that she is not going to take that well. Okay. I know if you're a Southern mama or if you've got a Southern mama, you cannot go and tell your mama how she needs to behave. Like you need to show up differently. And here's the list that I'm gonna give to you, ho not ever try to give your mother an owner's manual, hecause she will not follow it ever. She might do the opposite. Think about how you would feel if someone gave you a list of how you need to behave moving forward in order to continue in the relationship. Are you kidding me? We're like, thank you for that information. But you know, you could be on your way.
Rachel (19:47):
Also a smart boundary just means that you can change your behavior and your responses to have a cleaner, less messy relationship. If that is your goal, to just have a less messy relationship, little bit cleaner relationship with your mom, you do not have to engage as often as you probably already are engaging, or you can engage in a different way. I'm not telling you to use humor, but sometimes it does lighten it up. And I will tell you the, the best thing about my mom is her sense of humor. She's freaking hilarious. And I think that is such an icebreaker, especially when we have gone through our ups and downs and then, or we've like been mad at each other or something. And then we get back together and then we just start cracking jokes kind of about our own behavior. And it's kind of fun. Does it work for everybody? No, it doesn't. But also it helps us like own our own part in this. I call it the dance, this push pull thing that we have with our moms.
Rachel (21:00):
Now a very common thing, a common statement from women I talk to is that if she just didn't do blank and you can fill in whatever blank that you want, then I wouldn't be so angry. I have some questions for you. How do you, do you want to show up in this relationship? And I'm gonna always say knowing that the other person will not change also, who do I want to be as an independent, autonomous grown-up woman who makes her own choices and decisions and makes no apologies. And one of my clients, I do have her permission to tell this story. So she was pretty overwhelmed by her mother and, you know, she had her reasons, she listed out the reasons and they kind of sounded familiar to me. They were a little bit different than my situation, but there's usually a common, a common theme or common thread.
Rachel (22:04):
And she said, look, we talk on the phone daily. Sometimes it's 10 minutes. Sometimes it's more. And it's usually on my way home from work. So by the time she gets home from work, she's still really frustrated about the conversation, what she said, how she said it, all the things just imagine a long day at work, trying to have a conversation. It's frustrating. You're coming home and talking about how frustrating that conversation was. So I gave her a challenge. The challenge was an awareness tool that she got to decide how much time she would go without having one of these conversations. Now, remember this was an experiment, an awareness tool. It's not, it wasn't a punishment for her or her mom. Okay. It was just an experiment. I'm like, Hey, how long do you think that you could go just without having one of those conversations?
Rachel (23:08):
So at first I think she said a week and then she was like I don't know if that's the truth. She's like 48 hours. I'm like, okay, great. She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's do, let's do 24. So I want you to think about what just happened there. Like, Ooh, that's too much. That's kind of too much too. Why don't we just baby-step it into the 24 hours and then it got complicated. Do I have to start now? And I'm like, it's up to you. When do you wanna start? She's like, no, I think I can start now. So this was like maybe nine o'clock in the morning. And she's like, whoa, whoa, can I just warn her like what I'm doing? And I'm like, no, okay. This is the work, not warning her, not making a big thing.
Rachel (23:53):
Like, guess what, mom, I'm not gonna talk to you for 24 hours. Again. Probably wouldn't go over so, well it might create a little extra drama, but see what the brain is trying to do is trying to protect us is trying to protect her. The brain also loves to avoid pain and it likes to go towards pleasure. And it also likes routine good or bad. It's gonna like routine a week or two goes by. And she checked in with me and her message was, Hey, I failed, I didn't do it. But then I kept reading. She's like, but then she said, she actually did it twice later on that week. What a win. Right? So she went 24 hours, not once, but twice without having an unnecessary conversation that had her thinking all of these frustrating thoughts about her mama.
Rachel (25:00):
And it didn't matter to me that she didn't go that 24 hours right. In the beginning because that's pretty normal. Think about any kind of big change that we're trying to make. We're just trying to feel better. But that initial first step is like, I don't know about this, but I knew that this would be difficult, which is why I let her decide on the timeframe. That's completely her decision. And when she wanted to start, and it's always hard making that change, especially with a close relationship. Now I'll tell you here's the bonus. I asked her because she did it twice. Because I was like, huh, that's interesting. But she a, she said she failed, which was not true. She just wasn't able to do it in that first 24 hours. But she said she did it two other times just throughout the week.
Rachel (26:00):
And I said, well what came of that? What did you learn? Anything? This is just an awareness tool. She's like, you know what? The weird thing was the conversations that we did have were incredibly meaningful. Y'all that is it. That is the thing. So a little change, a tiny change gave her big results and she was able to do it more than once. It wasn't a one and done, she's actually establishing a new pattern, which is what we're all trying to do. We all want a better relationship and whether or not it's with your mom, I've had some women come to me and it's with their dad or it's with their sister or with their best friend. And we kind of go through the same process. And that was a healthy boundary that she set.
Rachel (27:01):
If any of you, and I know there's some of you, because you've already sent me the emails. If you're listening and you're like, oh my gosh, you're speaking my language. We're raised by the same person. And I need your help, please. Let me know if you think you want coaching on this. I do one-on-one work. Yes. It's a three month, 12 weeks one-on-one coaching. And we just dive right in. And even if it's not about your mama drama, maybe it's about your dad. Some of you it's about your sister. I don't know some of it. It's your best friend, but it's the same principles
Rachel (27:44):
I am so incredibly happy to be bringing this work out into the world. I love talking about this and I love sharing and helping and coaching. And I want to give a big thanks to all of my, all of my fellow coaches who have, who have known about this mama drama forever. And you're like, you're the perfect person to do this work. Thank you to my fellow coaches. You know who you are. There's about five to seven of you who have helped me through this. And I can't thank you enough for kind of just giving me the courage to say, let's go, let's do this. So if you're ready, let's go. Let's do this. If you are ready to work together, one-on-one, go to my website, rachelkhudson.com and click the tab that says work with me. You can send me an email [email protected]. I'll see you next week.
