Rachel (00:01):
You're listening to relationship coaching with Rachel. This is where you learn how to ditch the drama with your mama. This is episode 52. In this episode, I'm talking to Tori Goddard, Tori found healing from an eating disorder, using spirituality, yoga, Reiki, and lots of self love. And of course we are talking about the mama drama.Tori, and I go way back and I am so thankful that she is in my life.
Tori (00:41):
Oh, hello everybody. My name is Tori Goddard and I'm just so excited to be on this podcast. And I just love Rachel, so it's just an honor to be able to guests speak here today.
Rachel (00:52):
Oh, thanks. Yeah. So tell everybody what you are currently doing.
Tori (00:59):
Yeah. So I just recently graduated from a health coaching program. So I really got into it because I love holistic nutrition and how the foods that we eat tie into, you know, the choices that we make and the choices that we make affect the food that we eat and our relationships career, all of that kind of stuff. And I also teach yoga and I'm very involved in Reiki, energy healing all that kind of fun stuff,
Rachel (01:27):
All the stuff. And we were just talking right before I hit record and like we have kind of parallel lives, I wanna say. Yes, but so just a background, everybody. I met Tori. Gosh. Okay. I opened my yoga studio in 2011. When did you start doing yoga with us? I mean, your sister, your mom started and your, she started, I was like, your grandmother was one of my first students who
Tori (01:51):
I love. Yes.
Rachel (01:53):
So when did you show up?
Tori (01:55):
So it had to have been, I wanna say, because I moved to Texas around that time. It was just a couple years after that. I wanna say maybe 14, 15.
Rachel (02:07):
Yeah. Maybe
Tori (02:08):
Or something like that.
Rachel (02:09):
So yeah, we go way back. Like I am friends with her grandmother, her grandmother's one of my best yoga students and just like just a ray of sunshine.
Tori (02:19):
She is, I know.
Rachel (02:20):
And her mother, and then I certified your sister Tiffany. She worked for me for like two years. So yeah, we, we go way back. You do. Yeah. I also wanna touch on, I know that there's another parallel because I used to coach and I still do coach highly sensitive people, highly sensitive women. And empaths. Can you tell me a little bit about your experience? I know that you're a sensitive person. Can you give me some examples of maybe how you felt maybe growing up as a sensitive person? What that was like for you?
Tori (02:59):
Yeah, definitely. So I've kind of like done a lot of self exploration through like a lot of my healing journey and just kind of always relating it back to when I was younger and how I was just always so sensitive to sound like when people would like raise their voice at me get really close to me and like, almost feel really big, even though they were just approaching me in a calm way. It still felt like their presence was so strong. Like energetically, I just felt something different. As a kid that I always wondered, I was like, is this like normal? Like, am I supposed to feel this way? Am I supposed to like, not like big crowds, a lot of people's energy. And so as I was like growing up and I would say like, when I was 12 or 13, I noticed like a really heightened sense of like a self-awareness like, just feeling so always in my body, like feeling everything, like if I was bloated or if I had like a tiny headache or if my eye, like, I felt so many different sensations through my body, like so many times a day.
Tori (03:56):
And it was almost like hypochondriac because I was always like, something's wrong with me? Like, why am I feeling these things? Or why am I relating this feeling to having an issue? But I think it was just because I was so sensitive and like hyper aware of my body and my surroundings. So I noticed it when I was really young and then growing up, it kind of just constantly tied into everything that I was doing. I just felt it was almost like a good thing, but I don't think I knew enough about it to be able to cope with it and just accept it in a positive way.
Rachel (04:28):
Yeah. And it's funny because I'm always gonna tie this back to yoga and how we met. Yeah. Like I remember your mom and I had a conversation and I don't know why who brought it up. And it was like, oh, I was just such a sensitive person. And her eyes got really big and she's like, that's like my daughter Tori. And we just had these parallel, like overwhelming you would walk into a room you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Tori (04:55):
Yes. Uhhuh like exactly.
Rachel (04:58):
And it just it's, it almost became too much until we figured out like, look, we might just be hard wired for this kind of this kind of body maybe. Yep. And I think, you know, our paths so similar, even though like I'm 50, how old are you?
Tori (05:18):
I'm 23.
Rachel (05:20):
So we're kind, we kind have the same type of path.
Tori (05:23):
Yeah.
Rachel (05:24):
And you know, that led me into like my first yoga class. It just felt so amazing. And I couldn't explain it.
Tori (05:36):
Exactly.
Rachel (05:37):
It was just like, I just feel grounded and grounded wasn't a word that people used back then.
Tori (05:43):
Yeah, definitely.
Rachel (05:43):
But I was just like, I just, I just didn't have the language for it. And this was in my mid twenties when I think I was 24 or 25 when I had my first yoga class. It was a VHS video tape. So it was like Patricia Walden's. Yoga video. Your mom probably had the same one or something probably, but I just was like, what is this? I love this. And people were like, what are you doing? Like, and this was like mid nineties. So people were like, no.
Tori (06:11):
Oh yeah, yeah,
Rachel (06:12):
Yeah. Who are you praying to?
Tori (06:14):
Oh, yeah. Heard that before.
Rachel (06:17):
So, you know, we do have a similar path and I love, we just keep connecting and you know, just, you guys probably don't know this, but I also I teach Reiki online and I recently certified Tori and Reiki one and two. Yeah. So tell us about your experiences with Reiki. We haven't really talked a lot since you were certified, so how's that going?
Tori (06:38):
It's amazing. It's incredible. So like I did Reiki as one of the healings. Why I got Reiki done on me when I was really struggling with anxiety. And I think just like from the empath and the overwhelm, I used Reiki to, you know, really heal and ground me and just circulate the energy that you know, was around us at all times. But since like getting certified, it just feels like it's natural. Like it's just natural for me to practice Reiki. And it's just, it was so good to have gone through that and to continue training you know, like with, I don't know if they know about Brenda, but she does like the Reiki shares and all that. So it's just more people can come together and doing that and connecting with other Reiki practitioners as well. But I was able to do Reiki a lot at the place that I was working at that had just tragically burnt down just recently.
Rachel (07:32):
And I feel like as an Empath, this, this Reiki healing journey is just like just another tool that is, keeps us grounded. Yeah. And keeps us aware just this awareness tool and really awareness of all the, the positive energy that's around us and how we can actually start to heal ourselves. So I'm gonna go into this next part. You mentioned your healing journey and as much, or as little as you wanna talk about your healing journey, because I think, I think it's gonna help so many people.
Tori (08:08):
Yeah.
Tori (08:11):
Okay. So when when I was 13 is kind of like, when I noticed it was like around 12 or 13, I had just recently moved from Gillette, Wyoming to Texas. So of course it was a big environment change, you know, from the cold to the extreme hot. And I mean, I love Texas because I love the heat and everything, but for me, I think being an empath and being very sensitive change is really hard on somebody. I think it's hard on everybody, but especially for me, I took it so hard. Like everything in my life had just completely changed. And so I started having really bad anxiety. I would have like extreme panic attacks at school. Like I'd break out in rashes, like have a horrible stomach ache. I would go to the nurse's office, like passing out. Like my mom, mom had to take me to the hospital, like, because we didn't know what was wrong with me.
Tori (08:58):
And the doctors were just like, oh, she probably just ate something bad. Or you know, like it was never like, I was literally having severe panic attacks at such a young age. Like that's just so sad. And of course my mom or my parents, nobody really knew it was going on because they hadn't really ever seen something like that before. But it was just getting to a point of overwhelm. Like whenever I was in an overstimulated area, I would get extreme panic and anxiety. And so I started kind of coping with it by kind of resorting to kind of controlling the foods I was eating in a way. So that's when I noticed I would stop like eating certain foods and then like comparing myself to people at school. There was like a girl that had like asked me my jeans size and she called me fat and then was like walking around the entire school, telling everybody my jeans size.
Tori (09:48):
Like why is that necessary? I don't know. And then of course at 13 everything's like, everything's so big at 13. Yeah. Everything's so big. And then especially being like highly sensitive, you're like, oh my gosh, what's wrong with like, there is something wrong with me. I need to physically change. So of course then I had anxiety about that. And so then I was just like, okay, well, I mean, if I'm this, I need to change. Like if I'm fat, I need to change that. Of course I took it so personally. And so, you know, just starting to cut out certain things. And one thing I do wanna like touch on before I continue is that like, it was an eating disorder. Eating disorders, isn't just like, oh I think I'm fat. I'm just gonna lose weight. It's a lot deeper than that.
Tori (10:26):
An eating disorder is a way to cope with severe anxiety, severe overwhelm, severe depression, like a loss of, you know, that self-awareness, that I think empaths really need. We need self awareness. We need those grounding tools to keep us present. And so it was just another way for me to cope with all of those things that I was dealing with. So it's not like I was like actually fat and wanted to lose weight. Like I was, I wasn't seeing myself as I was, cuz that was just another coping tool that only I knew how to use. Because I didn't have anything else at that time to cope with. So fast forward, I actually had to be admitted into treatment in Dallas. I was in a hospital for about six months. Because my parents really didn't know what was going on with me. And then I had seen a few therapists dieticians and they were like, yeah, she has an eating disorder.
Tori (11:13):
This is actually a mental illness. And so I had gone to treatment and you know, it was just always like the outside level. If you just gain weight, you'll be healed. If you just eat this, you won't have an eating disorder anymore. And so it was never like getting to the root cause of what was going on, why I was thinking these thoughts, like what I really needed to do to heal from that. And so of course after I gained a certain amount of weight, I came back home and you know, same thing happened again. But this time it started like in the opposite. So at the first it was like restriction and over exercise and then it kind of started to be like overeating and then purging. So of course like getting rid of the food. And so it kind of went back and forth and then it would be like some days I would restrict some, you know, because I came home with no coping mechanisms to heal with any
Rachel (12:00):
So from the hospital, correct me if I'm wrong. I want to say, in my head it's it comes across as just surface level, just get the weight on and everything will be fine?
Tori (12:16):
Exactly. They basically promise like if you gain this weight, like you'll be, you'll be fine. Like that's how it goes away. Because scientifically, I mean, if you are underweight, of course you do have body dysphoria. It is scientifically proven, but like that's not the whole thing of it, you know, it's bigger than that. Yeah. That's when I started really like thinking like I need, there is something really that needs to be healed within me first, before I just heal from this just by putting weight on, I guess I had the thought, but I never had like the mental capacity to research or like look more into it. And so I think I had, we had done kind of introduced the idea of yoga in the hospital, but it was never really implemented in my life, but I had always done yoga when I was really little, my mom actually used to teach yoga and so I'd always had the idea in my head like, oh, I would love to do that again.
Tori (13:11):
And so I think when I got into Mirasol the second time I went into treatment, which was only a couple months after it was in Arizona and that was more of a holistic approach so it was still kind of like the idea of putting the weight on, but that's when they kind of had started implementing like yoga or like tremoring release and so like releasing stored emotions in our body so that's when I kind of started to research a little bit more into yoga and how that might, you know, be one of the resources that I could use to heal from my eating disorder. And of course during my time there, I wasn't really getting better. And so I actually had to be sent to another treatment center in Chicago, which was like the treatment center in Dallas. It was just horrible.
Tori (13:53):
Like they literally locked you in a room, like you got fed like six times a day. You were just in a box, like in a, in a literal box. But like I was just in a box and I was surrounded by people who weren't only dealing with eating disorders, but also like suicide, like severe depression. And like there were ambulances because like there were like emergencies, people were literally trying to kill themselves in this facility. I've had instances of people like breaking into my room, like trying to choke me to death. Like it was seriously like to a point. And I finally at this treatment center, it was so like out of whack that like nobody knew it, anybody was doing that. I actually was able to get a phone and call my parents and be like, this is an emergency I need to go.
Tori (14:33):
I need to get out of this treatment center. I don't care where you send me, just send me somewhere else. So they actually sent me back to Mirasol, which was in Arizona. And I remember the day it was June 11th and I had wrote in my journal and I was actually sitting out in a chicken coop. They had a chicken coop there and so they had lots of animals and I really connect with animals like on a really deep level. And I just remember journaling. Yeah, exactly. I was like, I want to change. Like I think that was the day that I decided like I wanted to, because you can't change unless you fully, you know, decide that you really do wanna change something in your life. So that was the day that I kind of was like, I'm ready to shift. And so fast forward, just a little bit.
Tori (15:14):
I was there for about six more months and I had, you know, I was steadily gaining weight, you know, I was journaling. I was reading I was doing a lot more things that I felt were beneficial for my mental health. So I noticed improvements because I was really focusing on that. Not just so much of like my physical appearance. So when I came home, of course it was, I, I was able to come home about six months later and it was, it was still a really big struggle. Like it was still really hard. Like I would still restrict, I would still overexercise I would still binge purge, like all that kind of stuff for probably three or four more years. And like, it just was like nonstop, like the thoughts in my head, like it was just a constant, but when I came home, that's when I started yoga. That's when I started like really implementing yoga and like I would go every single day to your studio, I think
Rachel (16:07):
You were there a lot?
Tori (16:09):
Yeah. That was the only thing that like made me feel like present because you know, it's so it's so much, but like it was, it felt so much, but in a good way, for me personally, like the sweat, like the heart, you know, pounding,
Rachel (16:23):
I mean, listen y'all if you haven't done hot yoga, everybody it's, it's no joke, but it's, it's also, it's almost like you go so deep.
Tori (16:32):
Mm-Hmm
Rachel (16:33):
I mean, I'm always gonna, this is I'll say listen, hot yoga is my first love and it there's something about it, how hard it is. And I will say everybody that when Tori walked in the room, there was nobody with deeper focus. I mean, she was there, you were there for a purpose. You were like, when we say laser being focused in that yoga room, that was you.
Tori (16:57):
Yeah. Like I get goose bumps thinking about it because it was like, you're
Rachel (17:00):
Like you had work to do.
Tori (17:01):
Yeah. I had work to do and I was ready.
Rachel (17:04):
It's not just the postures and it's not looking good.
Tori (17:09):
Exactly.
Rachel (17:10):
Or your yoga outfit. It is like focus, determination. You're there because you know, you have work to do. Yeah. Yes. So tell me how you felt after your yoga classes.
Tori (17:25):
After my yoga classes, like that's the only time where I felt like extremely present, like extremely self-aware and I think it was like the heat like, and I still frequently go to saunas just because I think that's where I most, like I release, you know, I think we release a lot of emotions through heat, you know, breath work. And so with yoga, you're breathing, you're sweating, you're moving, you're grounding. You're connecting. Because it's like slow dynamic. So afterwards I just felt like a sense of like, yes, this is what I'm looking for. Like, this is what I need, you know? And that's like, what I realized. It was like, by building this self-awareness and it's a practice, like you have to constantly build it, you know? But it's also like in the beginning I would say I was just doing it because for exercise because it was like, oh this is my only time. I hadn't exercised in however long, because you're not allowed to exercise in treatment. So I was like, oh my gosh, finally I get to move my body, which I think is a big thing. That's an issue in treatment centers is like movement is like nonexistent just because they're trying to put weight on you. You're not,
Rachel (18:31):
That's so interesting. Yeah.
Tori (18:32):
Yeah.
Rachel (18:33):
It is. I don't think I realized that and I will say that when I move, whether it's a 15 minute walk. I just say down to the stop sign and back if, and that's my minimum baseline for the day I come back with either a bazillion ideas or whatever was bothering me or whether I've had a fight with my mom. Even when my husband and I are like not really going through something, but we're just kind of feeling like, let's just take a walk and we call it the walk and talk. Listen, he's a giant person. He takes a big giant steps and I'm trying to keep up with him. But by the time we get back, we've both kind of like whatever might have been bothering us. And it was small things can be big things. But whatever, whether it's work or you know, family stuff, by the time you get back, it's like, oh kind of that just kind of salted sometimes. It's it is that easy? Just moving your body.
Tori (19:30):
Exactly. It's that easy.
Rachel (19:34):
The worst depression I've ever been in was when I did move.
Tori (19:37):
I agree with you for sure.
Rachel (19:39):
And you know, sunshine movement. I know it sounds so basics, but it's really, I think it's just the basics.
Tori (19:47):
I agree. And I think that you like are really touching on it because that's exactly what we were talking about with the owner at Ritual is simple. We complicate it so much. Like it's actually simple, like, oh what go outside and just stand barefoot in the grass for 10 minutes. Like just breathe in the fresh air or grounding.
Tori (20:10):
And then yeah, so it was, it was like that like yoga, but then I really started to connect with nature and just like within the past year or two is when I really felt a boost in my healing because I was actually connecting with something greater than my myself. So it's not just like self-awareness but I was connecting to source. So like your spirituality, like your higher power then like nature, divine, love and energy. That's like around us at all times. So for me it was like, yeah, I'm self-aware. I wanna connect with that. But it didn't really hit like that healing point it's time time to connect with something greater than yourself.
Rachel (20:49):
Yeah. Thanks a lot for that because I think not a lot of people know what going through something like that is like, and there might be some people that are currently struggling. And so thank you for giving us a good, a good container to really think about what it's like to have an eating disorder and what are kind of some of the pitfalls that can happen along the journey. And really, I love what you said about like, it's just like being connected. Do something bigger than yourself, which is, I know that sounds cliche everybody, but it is the truth. It's the total truth. So the more,pressing topic. Uso as many of you know, I've kind of morphed from actually I am still teaching,or,I am still working with empaths, but some of you don't know that most of my conversations that I've had with empaths actually turn into conversations about, we're just gonna call it mama drama.
Rachel (21:52):
That is my program ditch the drama with your mama. Oh, I love that. And so you know, as most of you know listen, our mothers are our first relationships. I've had my own struggles. I still go through at least once a week. I'm like my mom's driving me bananas and I love her. So can you talk about any, anything that you learned from your mama? Because I've got a couple of topics. I've got body image drama that comes up. We've got money drama. We've got mom's emotions, drama.
Tori (22:35):
Yeah. So when I was in, okay, so let's just start like when I was young. I started yoga because my mom was a yoga instructor and my mom was really physically active. Like she would walk like several times a day. She would do yoga several times a day. Like I was just very involved, like, and when I was young, I was always so aware, like of what other people were doing while I was doing. So of course I was taking note. I was like, man, she walks a lot, man. She does a lot of exercise and then she would like not eat meat for like several months or that she would not eat dairy. I would notice like she would cut certain things out of her diet. So of course when you're little you're absorbing and noticing everything. Like, oh, okay. So I wonder why, like I would always ask myself, like, why is she doing that? And like, I remember like she was very physically fit. Like just very, I don't know if it was just so much of like her, you know, looking at her body and wanting it to look a certain way or just like using it as a coping . Because she had five kids. I mean, I'm sure she needed some, you know, stress
Rachel (23:34):
She's like I gotta go y'all
Tori (23:35):
I gotta go for several walks a day. I mean either way, whatever it was. I personally saw it as a way to control, like her weight, the way she looked. And then like certain foods that she was eating. So I always remembered that like when I was young, just kind of like really looking at her as like, oh, maybe I need to look like my mom, you know, growing up, you know, I need kind of like, that's how I related it to like, I need to look like my mom. And so throughout my treatment, I never related it back to like, when I was younger, like controlling food in a way. And like, my mom never said anything to me about my body. She never ever said anything about any of us, like about our weight, about what we should or shouldn't eat. So it's not like it was something that she actually did, but it's something that I perceived from her lifestyle.
Rachel (24:23):
You just picked up on it, possibly.
Tori (24:24):
Yeah, exactly. I mean, as a mom, she was like a role model for me. So of course I saw that as, you know, something that I should be like, my mom looks like that I should look like that. So she never, I don't think she ever meant it to be across that way. And I don't even think I've ever, maybe I have spoken to her about it. I think we did have like a counseling session where it was like, what impacted your mom have on you as a kid? And I flat out told my mom one time, because throughout treatment, we had the worst relationship of like ever, like I told my mom, I hated her. I told my mom that I didn't wanna be her kid. Like we like were enemies because my mom really, you know, was like making sure I was eating.
Rachel (25:02):
She was the bad guy, all of a sudden.
Tori (25:03):
Was the bad yeah, the bad guy, but she was just doing what she was told by the treatment centers. Right. You know, because she didn't know what real healing was either. So of course she was telling me not to move or exercise or, you know, eat whatever, listen to the doctors.
Tori (25:16):
Yeah, exactly. So of course I seen her as the bad guy, because she was the only one that I could take emotions out on. You know, I can't yell at my therapist, you know, so I can yell at my mom. Like
Rachel (25:27):
I don't wanna get kicked out
Tori (25:28):
Yeah, exactly. But we have the worst relationship and we would have constant counseling because we were fighting all of the time. And I flat out, told her, I was like, well mom, you always dieted. You were always watching your weight. Why are you telling me that? Like, I can't, you know, care about how I look and I just remember her kind of just like looking at me like, oh my gosh, like, wow, maybe I did have an impact on you, you know? But, and then it, and then of course, a couple weeks later she was like, well, I don't know why you're blaming me for your eating or like all that kinda stuff. And I was like, mom, you had a role in this too, you know. But yeah, voicing that to her, made her aware, like sometimes like we hold our emotions in, we don't talk to people. We don't talk about her feelings. Like we're not ever taught that, you know, we're not ever taught to express how we feel like if I was young and my mom was like, Hey, you know, just talk if there's anything that ever bothers you or if there's anything that you find like a little bit concerning, like feel free to talk to me whenever you want. Like, I never, we had a close relationship growing up, but I feel like she was always in her own world. She had so many kids, she had so much going on that I never had that personal connection with her to really openly talk about, Hey mom, you act this way or I noticed that you do this. Like, why do you do that? Instead? I just made up my own assumptions in my head
Rachel (26:48):
Or sometimes we're terrified of her mother. And we're like, I'm not asking her she's gonna get me.
Tori (26:53):
Yeah, of course. Yeah. And I mean, of course we didn't have like a super solid relationship. I didn't want to ask her because I didn't want to be in her business. You know, so that I would say played a really big role in my personal body image is kind of like seeing how my mom perceived herself. And then, you know, just kind of feeling like I needed to follow in her footsteps.
Rachel (27:19):
And there's so many women that I've spoken with that, I mean the range is, I mean it's every, probably the youngest person I've talked to is probably you all the way up to in their seventies. They're talking about my mom put me on a diet or sometimes it was just that I mirrored what she did.
Tori (27:45):
Yeah.
Rachel (27:45):
And you know you guys on this podcast, we're not blaming mama for anything. We are taking responsibility.
Tori (27:54):
Yeah. I take full responsibility. Yeah, definitely.
Rachel (27:57):
And sometimes it is in the form of having those conversations with our mother whether or not she's there for it. It's really because I think my, I would say my generation, you know, I'm 50, I was born in 1970. My generation is possibly the first generation to talk. And still a lot of the people that are my age are like, no, no, no, no, no. Were not talking about this.
Tori (28:20):
Oh wow.
Rachel (28:21):
So, but I think people younger than me and especially your age are like, we've got to stop this.
Tori (28:28):
Yeah, we do. It's time.
Rachel (28:30):
It is time. And listen, I am not the most popular person in my family right now. Probably because I'm doing this and that's okay. She can get happy, mad, sad about anything. And I love her. There are a bazillion things I love about her. And I wrote this right before the podcast. For some reason it came to me. Transformation work is the hardest and most rewarding work that we will ever, ever, ever do
Tori (29:01):
Love that.
Rachel (29:02):
And all I also will say, most people don't wanna do it.
Tori (29:06):
Yep.
Rachel (29:07):
Can we talk about like emotion, mama, drama and emotions a little bit, like, did you learn to shut down? Tell me what you kind of learned from mama?
Tori (29:18):
Yeah. So everything, my emotions had to be shut down, like when I was in treatment and just like our relationship, like I would express myself, I would cry. I would be in a horrible mood because I was going through a lot. I was having to let go of something that that's all my eating disorder was all I knew. It was like, in my, my case, it was like my only friend, like, no matter what.
Tori (29:42):
It was the only thing. But I think a lot of people can relate to that. Like mental health, you know, anxiety and depression. Like it's always just something that you can like go to in a really weird way, because I didn't have anything else. And so when I would try to express or like cope or, you know, just, I was going through a lot cause I was letting something go. That was really meaningful to me. My mom would just go nuts. Like Tori, you've got to get better. Now you need to stop feeling this way. You need to like move on now. You've got an eating disorder. Why don't you want to eat? Why don't you wanna take care of yourself? And like still, sometimes these topics will come up. You have horses, you need, you have a lot to take care of. You have a lot of life here. Why would you wanna risk that and go to treatment? Like, she's just assuming that I'm gonna be sent to treatment.
New Speaker (30:28):
And I think that that's where it's stemming from is her own personal trauma. Like she doesn't wanna see me go down that path again and she just wants so bad for me to get better, but the way she's expressing it to me is telling me to shut down. And I just, I think that it's a really good thing for moms to just allow their kids to express like even still to this day, our relationship is so great. It's much better. I do express. And, but still I have bad days. I have anxiety. And it's like the end of the world when I'm having a bad day.
Rachel (31:04):
How often would you say you experience anxiety on a weekly basis? Is it like a daily thing like me or is it low grade?
Tori (31:12):
So, well, just recently within like the past, I would say about a month or two ago, I was having panic attacks every single day. And I don't know what I mean. I relate it to kind of like something spiritual, like I've kind of ascended into another place. And I know that kind of sounds crazy for people who aren't like familiar.
Tori (31:33):
But I was having panic attacks every day. I felt like everything was like, the colors were so bright. Like noises were so loud. Like my, like I felt tingling in my neck. Like my heart would race. And like, it was like an overwhelming sense of presence. Like I'm here on this earth. Like it's, it sounds crazy. But literally that's what it felt like. I was like, I am literally here. I am literally a living being on this planet. Like I don't know how to do this. And that's like the sensations that came over me and like, I would, you know, I'd breathe and I would just kind of let it pass. But like, I was like, when is it gonna come back? Like, I don't know, you know, what's gonna happen. But
Rachel (32:09):
The anxiety about the impending anxiety, like it's gonna come back for a visit
Tori (32:13):
Yes, literally. But through like between like panic attacks, I mean, it would happen like one and then like a week later it would happen again. But like throughout each panic attack, it was like an overwhelming, like, it almost felt like a download from like my higher power of like what I need to know about healing, like earth. And like that's when I like, started noticing like the difference in shapes and colors and sounds like flowers and like our chakras and like how each one's related and animals and like how we just share energy just by like, you know, giving a smile to somebody. Like that's everything that we do on a day to day can be healing for ourselves and for other people. And it was like, healing does not have to be complex, you know?
Rachel (33:01):
Yes. Yes. And I love the simplicity of, you know, the way you're speaking. It doesn't have to be hard y'all it is not difficult. You just have to show up healing is not like a straight line. I mean, I think most of us know that, but it's. It's these things that we do sometimes I'm inspired to do a week of yoga and sometimes I'm like, my body hurts and I'll just do some gentle stuff. Or, but I do. What does your practice look like these days versus, you know, way back when you're just getting out of your, the treatment. And so what does it look like today?
Tori (33:42):
So I try to practice and the one thing I always tell people, like whether that's yoga students or just like friends or people who like, ask me about yoga is that yoga isn't always necessarily like rolling out your mat, going to a studio, practicing for an hour. Like sometimes it's just like waking up in the morning and sitting up, crossing your legs, having your palms touching and breathing. Like sometimes that's my yoga practice.
Rachel (34:09):
Remembering to breathe.
Tori (34:10):
Yeah. Just breathe
Rachel (34:12):
Consciously.
Tori (34:12):
Yeah. Consciously. Because so many people are holding their breath and it's like I noticed that after I'd have those panic attacks, like I would have a shortness of breath and I think it was like my body like catching up because of like all the tension that I was holding, like in my chest. And so it was finally just like remembering to breathe. So yoga, I would say. And now like it just gets better every day. In my opinion, like everything I do can be considered yoga or meditation love it. So it's like, everything I'm doing is like fully present. Like I'm really intentional with that. And for me, that's yoga because yoga is what you do on your mat is what you do off of your mat. Like how you practice on your mat. Yeah. I know. There's like a saying is how you live your life off of your mat. So it's like a mutual connection. Like when I'm on my mat, if I do practice for an hour, I'm fully present in that space. But I take that with me to the people I meet to who I talk to, like what I'm writing, you know, whatever I'm doing is just fully presence. And I think that that's yoga. So my yoga has like completely transformed into like daily all day, every day, versus just like, when I use practice, I'd be like, oh, I'm going to yoga. Okay. Now I'm done. Now what? Yeah,
Rachel (35:20):
There's just this little box that we check. Okay. There's, there's my yoga.
Rachel (35:24):
And then I remember people would say, I only did 15 minutes. And so it doesn't count. I'm like, are you kidding me?
Tori (35:29):
That's a big thinking.
Rachel (35:33):
But some days it's like as 15 minutes and that was as good as it gets and, and I cried most of the time.
Tori (35:39):
I think sometimes we experience more when we give ourselves a shorter amount of time, because it's like that pressing feeling to like really get it out. For me, that's how it feels. Just really use this time to really focus. And nowadays our attention span is so short. Sometimes we have to give ourselves only five or 10 minutes.
Rachel (36:01):
Yeah. Did you ever, and I know I did this because that was what I did at, at times in my life. Did you ever use yoga against yourself? Like I'm mad at so and so I, or I'm mad at myself. So I'm gonna punish myself with yoga. Have you ever done that?
Tori (36:16):
Yeah, I definitely did that because it's so hot and like invigorating, like it was just so like I did, I did use it against yourself. I know what you're saying. Yeah. Like I would use it against myself. Like if I was mad at my, especially if I was mad at my mom.
Rachel (36:34):
I would get mad at my mother and I would take it out on myself because, you know, I own the studio. Yeah. So I'm like, I would go in when we didn't have classes and I would crank that heat up as much as I could stand. And most of the time it was just there to beat myself up and then I would start crying. And then, you know, it was isn't that so funny, but it was always because I was mad at my mother
Tori (37:02):
And I think that, that I will say that's probably one of the only things that I would use against myself. Like anything that I did, it was almost like my mom would, this sounds so bad, but nobody can make me as mad as my mom did.
Rachel (37:15):
Listen, I'm with you right there. Listen, you can do anything to me. But in my head, I was like, that lady. She knows what buttons to push.
Tori (37:26):
She does.
Rachel (37:26):
Yes. Well, yeah. And then we were like, I'm totally giving my power away to this person. Because that's what I've always done. And so I think, and this is just kind of what I'm learning kind of with myself. And I still have a relationship with my mother, but I mean, like I said, there's at least once a week, I'm like, are you kidding me? This lady's driving me bananas, but I'm approaching it a little bit differently. Yeah. Like even this last week I graduated and I'll probably fall off the whatever, but I graduated until she got to say whatever she wanted. And I was like, she's just gonna have to say it. And it's not what you wanna hear. And it's you think that it's a terrible thing that she's saying.
Tori (38:08):
Yeah.
Rachel (38:08):
But she gets to say it
Rachel (38:11):
And it was so hard, but also I got off the phone and I was really proud of myself. I'm like, I just didn't, I didn't indulge. And like, you're wrong. I just, I want, you know, I would sometimes, and you know, very recently I would go in looking for a fight, like uhoh, she's calling. Yeah. So like better put on the boxing gloves,
Rachel (38:33):
It's one of those conversations. And lately, as I've been working with other women and really I'm getting coached myself on all this stuff.
Tori (38:41):
Well, that's what I was gonna say. I think when you help coach other people y'all are mutually helping each other.
Rachel (38:46):
I'll say that every time I talk to a woman about their mom and I can see the same kind of patterns that I had dealt with.
Tori (38:58):
Yeah.
Rachel (38:59):
I'm an adult
Rachel (39:05):
Where am I doing the dance?
Rachel (39:07):
And I was like, you have to start taking some responsibility for this. She gets to say mean things if she wants to. Yeah. It's up to you to decide, Hey, if you wanna have a conversation with her, if I wanna go very low contact one week, or if I just wanna let her be her. Yeah. And I will say the last couple of times I went into it, just like, just let her say what she's gonna say. And you don't have to make it mean that you're a terrible person. Or that you're not enough. Or,I do have women that come to me and I don't, I don't have this, the dutiful daughter like, oh, you're supposed to do all this stuff for your mom. Oh, I don't have that. How about you?
Tori (39:51):
The only thing I will say is like I had to, for a long time, my recovery meant like recovering from my mom. Like I was getting better just so my mom could be happy.
Tori (40:05):
You know, like I'm, I'm just gonna eat because my mom wants me to, or I'm just gonna not move all day because it'll make my mom happy
Rachel (40:15):
Get her to pipe down a little bit.
Tori (40:16):
And that's really toxic. It, it was really toxic for a while there.
Rachel (40:20):
Because you're putting the focus on the other person.
Tori (40:22):
And I my recovery was not mine. It was somebody else's like, I'm not recovering. I want to be better. Not because my mom told me to.
Rachel (40:31):
Yeah. Yeah. It's so fascinating. And I think the more people I talk to, the more like it just what we're all having to learn about our mother relationship because it's our first relationship. We learn so much from this woman who's just probably trying to do the best that she can.
Rachel (40:54):
I have compassion for the moms out there who have probably had the moms that maybe told them something.
Tori (41:08):
Exactly.
Rachel (41:09):
Or like generationally, I think this is now is the time to make sure that healing happens. And whether she's there for it, for that or not, not. And I know my mom's not really not interested in anything that I'm doing, so no, I have to just let her not be interested. And when I have those thoughts, I'm like, oh, well I can still help people because nine times out of 10, we're like, okay, if she would just change all these things about her, then I would be happy. And I'm like, actually I get to be happy, whatever she does.
Rachel (41:49):
So we're going to wrap this up in a few minutes, but I want you to tell my listeners or our listeners, like what you do and how you help. So you just got, did you just recently get your certification?
Tori (42:02):
Yes. A couple months ago.
Rachel (42:03):
Okay. Tell us about that.
Tori (42:05):
Yeah. It's the Institute for integrative nutrition and I really wanted to study more about like food and I really have like a deep, like craving to learn about how the foods we eat affect our mental health. Because I just wanted to know like lack of nutritionally, like what you think like with your anxiety. I noticed certain foods and a couple hours later I'll have like anxiety. Like I'm like, oh, that's interesting. So I was really getting into that. And so the Institute for integrating nutrition really just teaches all about bioindividuality it's not like a strict nobody's on a diet. It's not like exercise, you know, it's just taking the person as a whole and just like saying how so they go through like the 12 circles of life. So like career joy, spirituality, physical activity, home, cooking, home environment, all those kinds of things and how each one plays into the foods that we eat and why we're making decisions. So if you have a bad relationship with your mom or your spouse or a friend, like, does that make you overeat? Does it make you restrict? Like for me, yeah. You know, if I was really mad at my mom, I really noticed my eating disorder flare up and either like wanna just go crazy with like overeating and like puke or restrict and like just make her mad, you know? So there's
Tori (43:21):
I'll show her because I'm like, you want me to recover for you? Well, I wanna recover for myself. So just let me, so just all of those things that we experience on a day to day, like a stressful day at work, like that makes us kind of resort to food because food makes us feel good. You know, like we can't deny that like food makes us feel good instantaneously. Like it releases those feel good hormones in our brain. Yeah. So I'm kind of just really helping people like discover what is it that's causing you this deep stress, this disconnection from your higher power, your intuition, your spirituality, and how we can regain that. So you're not always looking to food to make you feel better. And so it's kind of like resorting to that energy that we have within ourselves. Like again, like I said, returning to our intuition. So through Reiki, prayer, meditation, all that kind of stuff, yoga,
Rachel (44:10):
All of the helpful tools that we have
Tori (44:16):
That they're just already here on this earth, you know?
Rachel (44:18):
Yeah. And I love your keeping it simple kind of protocol that you've, you've got going on. Anything else that you want to touch on before we wrap it up?
Tori (44:29):
I think that I'm just so excited. I think that was like such a good little conversation we had. And I just love how much we have in common and that, you know, we're able to stay connected. And I think that it was really amazing how we connected back through the Reiki and stuff just because I feel like anybody who gets trained from somebody in Reiki has like a deeper connection already as it is. So my website is downtoherbs.org and on there, you know, I have like some yoga videos. You can also like just schedule like a consultation for health coaching. And I actually just launched a program called reconnecting with your highest vibration. So it's basically just how to connect with like the earth and your energy within yourself. Your intuition and how to find like food freedom. If you've been struggling with like restriction or overeating from food, how to find that through Reiki, yoga, all the things that I found to help heal myself is basically what I'm sharing on this platform.
Tori (45:25):
And then I also have like all organic handmade body care products, which is really what started in inspiration, my recovery. So that's like what really started was those natural products, just like making lip balms was really therapeutic for me. And just having that sensory awareness, like just having that peppermint lip balm on your lips, like really heightens your awareness of your, like the tingling on your lips, the smell, all that kind of stuff. The way it feels when you put it on. So I also have some products on there, so yeah. That's how y'all can find me.
Rachel (45:52):
Fantastic. Yeah. I will link all that in the show notes. And if you all didn't know this, I have added transcripts to the last three or four episodes and I will be doing that moving forward on the podcast is so great having you today, Tori and I hope to have you back soon.
Tori (46:12):
Yes, it was so much fun. Rachel, thank you so much.
Rachel (46:15):
You're welcome.
Rachel (46:16):
Now, if you could use some more coaching on this, you can go to www.rachelkhudson.com and click the tab that says work with me and we can schedule a free consultation. Thank you so much for listening today. I will be back next week with more helpful tips, advice and tools so that you can ditch the drama with your mama.
